For years, when asked about my religious affiliation, I would tell people I was a fundamentalist Unitarian. Pressed for a definition of Unitarian Fundamentalism, I told people that I was wholly intolerant of intolerance and believed that God would have his or her vengeance against anyone who didn’t respect all faiths and non-faiths. (I’ve mellowed with time, and my current church has gotten yet more liberal – now I just tell people that I’m a New England episcopalian.)

So imagine my excitement when the Unitarian Jihad sent their communique to the San Francisco Chronicle. I can’t quite figure out what they want, but that’s been true of every Unitarian I’ve ever met:

We are Unitarian Jihad. We are everywhere. We have not been born again, nor have we sworn a blood oath. We do not think that God cares what we read, what we eat or whom we sleep with. Brother Neutron Bomb of Serenity notes for the record that he does not have a moral code but is nevertheless a good person, and Unexalted Leader Garrote of Forgiveness stipulates that Brother Neutron Bomb of Serenity is a good person, and this is to be reflected in the minutes.

Beware! Unless you people shut up and begin acting like grown-ups with brains enough to understand the difference between political belief and personal faith, the Unitarian Jihad will begin a series of terrorist-like actions. We will take over television studios, kidnap so-called commentators and broadcast calm, well-reasoned discussions of the issues of the day. We will not try for “balance” by hiring fruitcakes; we will try for balance by hiring non-ideologues who have carefully thought through the issues.

I look forward to future Jihad communiques and to random acts of tolerance taking place in America’s cities and shocking our citizens with their very reasonableness.

Sorry, I’ve got to go now – someone appears to have planted a flaming question mark in my lawn, and it’s threatening to burn my raspberry bushes.

For years, when asked about my religious affiliation, I would tell people I was a fundamentalist Unitarian. Pressed for a definition of Unitarian Fundamentalism, I told people that I was wholly intolerant of intolerance and believed that God would have his or her vengeance against anyone who didn’t respect all faiths and non-faiths. (I’ve mellowed with time, and my current church has gotten yet more liberal – now I just tell people that I’m a New England episcopalian.)

So imagine my excitement when the Unitarian Jihad sent their communique to the San Francisco Chronicle. I can’t quite figure out what they want, but that’s been true of every Unitarian I’ve ever met:

We are Unitarian Jihad. We are everywhere. We have not been born again, nor have we sworn a blood oath. We do not think that God cares what we read, what we eat or whom we sleep with. Brother Neutron Bomb of Serenity notes for the record that he does not have a moral code but is nevertheless a good person, and Unexalted Leader Garrote of Forgiveness stipulates that Brother Neutron Bomb of Serenity is a good person, and this is to be reflected in the minutes.

Beware! Unless you people shut up and begin acting like grown-ups with brains enough to understand the difference between political belief and personal faith, the Unitarian Jihad will begin a series of terrorist-like actions. We will take over television studios, kidnap so-called commentators and broadcast calm, well-reasoned discussions of the issues of the day. We will not try for “balance” by hiring fruitcakes; we will try for balance by hiring non-ideologues who have carefully thought through the issues.

I look forward to future Jihad communiques and to random acts of tolerance taking place in America’s cities and shocking our citizens with their very reasonableness.

Sorry, I’ve got to go now – someone appears to have planted a flaming question mark in my lawn, and it’s threatening to burn my raspberry bushes.